I found my voice
Everybody had me f*cked up last week and I've finally had enough.
Let me break this down into 3 occurrences that happened this week.
A 'friend' preaching solidarity when I got 0 acknowledgement of the racist shit I went through with her and in her presence.
Being blocked from contacting my son on his iPad. (That I paid for btw)
Quitting a job after hearing their (internal only) response about George Floyd and rioting. Yes, rioting because there was 0 talk about #BlackLivesMatter, police brutality...none of that.
A lot of people have been stepping up to speak on the injustices black people face. Great. Long overdue. However, when I saw someone speaking up who had done wrong by me, I got triggered. Memories that will be forever etched in my brain. Memories like her speaking on Black History Month and saying "They get a month , but God forbid we have a white history month...". It's important to note, this was day 1 on a month long trip to New Zealand. I was the only black person in the room and everyone acted like I was invisible. Another vivid memory occurred a couple years later at a mutual friend's birthday party. I was called a N*gger. Right to my face. While she isn't the one who said it, she is among a few people who witnessed it. I was in Canada and with no other options and no access to transportation, I was forced to share a room with the person that said it and the witnesses that did nothing. I had buried these memories deep, but as I saw all of her posts it all came flooding back. So I confronted her. Told her all that I'm currently telling you. She apologized. It seemed sincere, but I guess I'll never know for sure. I realized that I owe it to myself to disassociate with people and things that cause me so much internalized pain. I'm moving on. Blocked.
First off, I am now in contact with my son thanks to friends that stepped in and helped. He was with me this past weekend. Just wanted to clear that up so no one is concerned. Now, there's a hell of a lot I can say about that whole situation. However, on this format, I will just leave y'all with a quote and you can do what you will with it:
“A sociopath is one who sees others as impersonal objects to be manipulated to fulfill their own narcissistic needs without any regard for the hurtful consequences of their selfish actions.”
― R. Alan Woods
On to the grand finale. Remember that 6-figure job I was recently talking about. Well....I quit. There was a lot of things I noticed upon entering the company. The short version is that the company culture was stuck in the 80s (and 80s might actually be a stretch). As someone who works in a tech field that is used to technologically current, diverse and inclusive work environments, this was NOT it. It became apparent fairly quickly that this was not a good fit for me. I have been mentally struggling for weeks. My mental health took one of the darkest hits I've had to date. I thought I could stick it out for a year for resume purposes. Then Tuesday happened. After saying nothing about all racial injustice that has been happening, they finally released a statement. Internal. Only after the Best Buy nearby got broken into. Let's just say the focus was on all of the wrong things. As a black person, it was hard to watch them offer to fully fund supplies for the knitting club's cause, but offered nothing for Black lives. As I mentioned before, there was no mention of #BlackLivesMatter or police brutality in the letter. Just one sentence about George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery and PARAGRAPHS about looting. From a company with BILLIONS in assets. It's clear where the care was and it was enough to make me sick to my stomach and embarrassed to work there. As soon as the message was released, I told my boss how insensitive I thought it was and that I was done for the day. This was 10 mins before a meeting that I was a big part of. After receiving guidance from my dad, praying and sleeping on it, I made a decision. I quit the next morning. My boss was super understanding and offered me the option to be a consultant for her. I got the rest of the week off and was supposed to think it through over the weekend. For a second, I considered compromising my integrity, but God gave me all the signs to stick with my decision no matter how scary. My mind was made up Friday late afternoon that I would leave. Then Friday evening happened and confirmed I was making the right decision....
On Friday Night a coworker reached out. Here are the excerpts:
Self-Proclaimed 'Ally': Hi Christina-I am so sorry you are taking time off and I don’t want you to leave me but I understand the culture is not getting any better since some emails. I didn’t like the bestbuy link. I was ok with the email and didn’t click the link until I wonder about you and it was horrible especially the person’s opinion of the incident and insults. Whatever I can do let me know. I support the message and if I wasn’t old and have asthma I would march. I marched when Donald was just president. I was in the gay parade and not gay. I also went to that anti Semitic march walking over that bridge to brooklyn. My friends and I drove to Florida and when Dwayne drove we got pulled over four times and got four tickets. He was the best driver and his nice van. We white drivers had to drive. I got lost. I was never pulled over on a major highway. I understand the issues as much as a white Jew can.
Me:This is what it feels like to receive messages like yours.
Self-Proclaimed 'Ally': I am so sorry. It sounds so very lame. That post and mine is lame. Wow. I get the nothing that is happening so far. I have crazy ideas so I want them to happen. Like they need to hire Colin back for the season. Now. Everyone watches football. People respect that. So I am on that for now. I hope you come back or stay. I thought we really were not worthy of you when we interviewed you. I didn’t think *Boss’ Name* should deserve you. But you know how I feel about them.
Self-Proclaimed 'Ally' Again: *INSERTS SELFIE OF HERSELF WEARING A GIVING BACK IS ESSENTIAL T-SHIRT*
Still Self-Proclaimed 'Ally': Giving back is essential. Christina-I hope you let me in. Crack the door.
Me: Please stop messaging me. You’ve made this completely about you. Leave me alone.
Self-Proclaimed 'Ally': Okay. Very sorry. I just want you to not leave the job as my coworker. You are a great coworker for the short time I know you. I won’t write back and hope you forgive me for writing you inappropriately.
Me: Thank you for admitting this is about you. I have had the worst week of my life and you are concerned about YOU being left on the team. You have no idea what I’ve been through this week and you didn’t care to ask. You just rambled on about YOURSELF. You are selfish and I am disgusted. DO NOT Contact me.
So that was my week. How was y'alls? "Let me in. Crack the door."