WTF Happened This Year?
Okay. So I’ve neglected this blog for quite some time but I have good reasons. I burnt out again. Worst than ever before. Like…I ended up hospitalized earlier this year..but I’m jumping ahead. Keep reading if you’re interested to hear about my chaotic, life changing year…
In October of 2020, I landed a decent job with a fun culture. I quit.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. This girl leaves a job every couple months something must be wrong with her. You’re absolutely correct. Despite my illnesses, I take on way too much and burn out way too fast. On my six month anniversary of working for said company I ended up having to go on medical leave. I won’t get into the dark specifics, but I ended up in the hospital due to a mental health crisis. I guess because of overcrowding due to Covid, I couldn’t get a hospital bed until Thursday (I checked in on a Monday). So I slept on a stretcher in a hallway for 3 evenings. Eventually I was moved upstairs and I wound up staying in the hospital for a total of 10 full days.
How did I get to this point? Here’s a shortened list:
-Living with a mental disability + chronic pain
-Pressure of being a single parent
-Taking on the stress of a mentally ill relative who won’t get help
-Having to fire a family member that worked as my son’s nanny
-Taking on homeschool + a full time job + housework + pet care
-Navigating the emotions of my child due to all the constant/unexpected change
-Being stuck inside
-Having limited help
-Lack of sleep
…to name a few. Soooo yeah. It was tiring to write that and it was even more tiring to live it. So I cracked. I needed help and I’m glad I got it. In addition to the hospitalization, I was in mental health rehab for about 3 months. It’s super weird to type that. Growing up, anything remotely close to therapy was considered a “white people thing”. Now here I am, a black woman, advocating for therapy and possibly rehab if you need it. I’ve come a long way.
I am eternally grateful that I had the privilege of being immersed in a full time therapy program. Taking some time off from the “real world” and focusing on my health was much needed. I had a tendency to care so much about how things will be perceived. That it often paralyzed me from making the choices I truly wanted to make. I now realize that I need to be stronger in my boundaries and more firm in my opinions. Everyone else may not see why I do the things that I do, but I know why I am how I am and the reason I do things.
Here are some things I’ve done recently that were met with opposition from well meaning people:
-I quit my stable job.
-I’m in the process of getting rid of my Manhattan apartment.
-I moved to Brooklyn.
-I started my own company & became an independent contractor.
I REGRET NOTHING.
When I told people I’m giving up my Manhattan apartment for a small 2 bedroom in BK (for more $) they told me I was crazy. Moving to Brooklyn has enabled me to have a stronger support system when it comes to my son. Also, he got into a great school where he’s actually being recognized for being a good student and he’s been kicking ass in swimming lessons. Besides…if I want the views and city living again…I will have it.
As for the job, I was told that I needed a stable FT job with insurance and stability. Well that landed me in the ER, so I figured I try something different. Every single time that I bet on myself, I won. Why would it be any different with my career? So now I’m an independent contractor under my own LLC. I’ve only worked the equivalent of about 6 months this year and I’m making more money than ever before. While I’m still not at my top financial goal, I’m damn proud of me. A single mom paying for two apartments (soon to be one), extracurriculars for my son, plus general spending/savings. I am blessed.
This by far has been my most difficult year. It’s also been the most empowering. The most empowering thing I’ve done this year is REST! Next time I’ll be sure to take a break willingly, before my body/brain shuts down for me.
I’ve been doing the work and I deserve all that I have.
Despite my setbacks, I am still that BITCH.